how i spent my friday night while Reptile Wrangler was still out of town

                                                                           ta rant u la!

With a giant hairy emphasis on RANT! Because, that is just what I did on the phone, with college girl Rachel, while I watched this THING crawl around.... In.side.my.house!!! 

This is how my evening went. I was quietly sitting in my chair, watching my programs on t.v., working on my stitching project until pretty late into my friday night. At about 11, I started feeling tired and decided to turn out the lights and head for bed. So, I scooted forward on the chair and bent over to reach down and put my project in the box that was on the floor. Just as I did that, from between my feet, that thing darted out. I.kid.you.NOT!

 I'm pretty sure I moved even faster than I have ever moved before. It sat there in the middle of the rug for a few minutes. I spun around in circles, sort of marching but more like jogging, freezing in place like when you're playing freeze tag and just got tagged "you're it", sweating jets like I have never sweated jets before, grabbed my car keys and then decided against leaving because "where would that thing be when I decided to come back?"(if ever), reciting all those bad creepy wildlife words that I have newly acquired in my vocabulary, all the while alternating flapping my arms up and down to wringing my hands in front of me, while saying (in between those bad creepy reptile words) "ohmygod,ohmygod, whatamigoing to do?, ohno,ohno,ohno, ohcrap, shoot, shoot, ohno, ohno, ohno"!!!!!!!!

So, I did what any panic driven Wranglerista would do when staring at a humongous bleepin' tarantula  sitting smack dab in the middle of your family room, while HGTV's House Hunters International is on the television...I grabbed my phone and called my daughter. 

Whether it had something to do with the fact that... 

a. I was alone in the house and b. I had fulfilled my Wrangling skills for the week and c. my reserve and tolerance for having to use those skills was empty and d. do I need any other reason...

to say that a full on panic situation ensued while I was on the phone with her is keepin' it real.

She became the adult trying to calm me and instruct me as to the best way to deal with this horrible awful creature. Here are some of the highlights...

Her. "Mom calm down."

Me. "I can't. It's huge."

Her. "Go get the biggest Tupperware out of the cupboard and put it over the top of it."

Me. "I can't do that. The bowl isn't big enough...I can't get that close to it to put the bowl over it."

Her. "Mom, calm down. Yes you can. Just get one with a lid so you can trap it, then turn it over and put the lid on it. Do you want me to come home?"

Me. "No, you're too far away. Yes, do you want to spend the night? I'm not putting a lid on it."

Her. "Why not put a lid on it?"

Me. "Because it might crawl up my arm and into my hair! I'll just put the bowl over it, put something heavy on top and leave it until Dad gets home."

Her. ....laughter....

Her. after reminding me to get a picture..." Mom, please put your camera on video. This will be the next big YouTube hit!"

Me. "No I don't want to be on YouTube!!"

Her. "Do you want me to call Mr. blank? ( dad of her friend who lives in the neighborhood)"

Me. "Noooo....it's too late. They'll think I'm a crazy person."

Me. "I'll go get my grabber thingy."

Me. (while reaching very far towards it and activating the trigger) "SCREAM" (start to cry now) "SCREAM AGAIN"... "I missed it! It's crawling and moving towards the chair".

So, it went under the chair, which pretty much foiled the plan of putting something over it (not that THAT was going to happen anyway.  And then it crawled over against the wall. 

Me. "How will I ever get it now?" 

" I'm going to be up all night." 

"I'm so nervous I'm about to wet my pants."

"I don't know why I'm freaking out so much?"

Her. (Being the good college girl that she is starting reading from her google search) " There is no known reported death from a Tarantula bite. Blah Blah Blah. The bite feels like a sharp sting of a wasp. Blah Blah Blah."....

Me. "stop, you are not helping me feel any better!"

And with that, it was on the move again. Right in to the corner under this table.

 I got out a flash light thinking if I beamed the light on it it would freeze and not move any more. Wrong, it made it dart out and crawl behind the heavy chest our t.v sits on. No way was I going to be able to move that out of the way to get it.

While she hung up to come up with a plan, I called the out-of-town Reptile Wrangler, because that's what anyone would do in a situation like this. Call a person that is hundreds of miles away, start screaming and crying when he answers the phone making him think someone was breaking into the house, and proceed to freak and ta RANT u la all over again!!!

He suggested I get a big long stick to whack it....

Then college girl called back, with a plan.

Her two guy friends from high school were coming to hep me out.
I did this back and forth thing for awhile..."no, they're going to think I' a crazy mom. No, I'm already in my pajamas, no tell them not to come. Ok...why aren't they here yet?"

While she was keeping me company while waiting for the 15 minutes she said it would take for them to get here , the spider of giantness came creeping out from behind the t.v chest. I kept the flash light beaming towards it figuring it would go away from the light which... would be going way from me. And then it went towards the hall . And I screamed "It's going to go in to your bedroom!!!"

It went in to the bathroom instead.

At this point, she very smartly said..."go unlock the door so they can just come in when they get there."

So I did. And then I grabbed the long stick the Wrangler told me to get thinking I could beat it away from me if I needed to. So here I am, with the long stick, flashlight, grabber thingy and my phone, watching this thing creep around in the bathroom. I'm in the family room by the way, zoom lens on the camera... remember?

By now it is midnight. on a friday night.
And the boys show up.
"Don't worry Mrs. M...we'll take care of this for you. "

So, I hand one of them my grabber thingy and the other one my long stick. I stayed way back with my camera.

They may or may not have jumped back when they first saw it..."Dude! It's huge".  And then, like a real swat team would do, the one with the grabber thingy said to the other..."you be ready with the stick while I run in there!"  A real Starsky and Hutch moment for me. This is about the time that I found some humor in the situation and started a bit of that nervous laughter that comes out during stressful moments.

 And then he got it. Pinched it right between its hairy legs. And then a bit of a scramble started...me getting out of the way...them saying "now what do we do with it? " And then me saying the only thing that came to mind...."drown it in the pool! "

And so that's what they did. They flung it out into the pool. Only problem...spiders CAN swim!!! Seriously? Does every awful creature know how to swim?

Me. " You can't leave it alive. It might crawl back in the house!"

And so, Starsky with the stick tried to hold it under. That didn't work. So he managed to get it close enough to the edge so Hutch could grab it with the thingy and hold it under the water.

And then, Starsky beat at it a few times with the stick before Hutch grabbed it again.All the while, I was diligently holding the light on it so they could see. I may or may not have beemed the light directly in their eyes a few time."Oops, sorry".

"I think it's dead"! they said. I told them to fling it over the fence. When he flung, I heard a noise in the plant behind me by the patio. "Did you let loose of the grabber thing at the wrong time?  In your back swing? Did it fling back here?" I screeched. Right about now is when they probably had some of those' she's a crazy Mom' thoughts. "No", he assured me. And then he demonstrated how he swung and released it over the fence.

 Now, I failed to  mention that when I followed them out the door and slid the sliding glass door shut, in all the excitement, I didn't think to check to see it the faulty latch was in the unlock position. As soon as I slid the door shut, click, I heard the door lock. "Oh no...I just locked us out of the house." They turned around and looked at me, one with the long stick the other with a tarantula pinched between the grabber thingy's pinchers with looks on their faces like "really Mrs M...are you serious right now?" And that is when I blurted out... "it's just a comedy of bad errors". Whatever that meant. Sheesh.

But, I soon remembered the smart college girl had instructed me to unlock the front door. Thankfully, it was still unlocked. So, after we got back in the house and I thanked them over and over again.. I said I owed them dinner or something. And then I said "wait...I have a couple of frozen pizzas in the freezer... do you want those? Are you hungry? You can take them with you. Here."

"Oh, and let me take your picture." (Because it is after midnight on a friday night and you just saved a poor frantic Mom from going absolutely crazy)

Here they are. My heroes!

Hopefully, the big hairy scary tarantula that caused me to loose my bravery and completely loose my sanity was over the fence. Hopefully, it was dead. Hopefully, it was not just stunned, hanging somewhere in the plant, ready to get me when I least expected it to. Because, I'm not sure that I can make it through another traumatic event such as that. I don't believe I slept at all that night.

The Reptile Wrangler got home the next night. He has been overwhelmed with my overwhelming happiness that he is home and my constant gushing that I missed him so. 

And then last night, while I was once again sitting in my chair, from behind me he reached around and held out this dark hairy thing wrapped taco style in a paper towel. "That spider was nothing compared to this big rat I just caught in the bathroom!"

Based on my scream, the words that followed and my full on body shudder...he will never again think  it is funny to show me the "hairball" he had just extracted from the shower drain saying it was a rat he just caught in the bathroom. 

He apologized, although laughing through the apology, over and over again. And after listening to me rant, he apologized some more.

Unbelievable but true.

reptile wranglerette

Oh YES I did!!

I wrangled me my very own gen u whine snake!

You see, the Reptile Wrangler happens to be out of the state... so he didn't hear my shriek when I spotted this gem in the pool. Yesterday was pool girl day. I went out to sweep the steps, basket out any leaves and put the shark in to sweep the bottom. My first surprise was the nice little rodent down by the drain in the deep end. So, off to get the long handled basket to try to scoop it out. That is when I saw this precious little reptile wrapped around the thermometer!
                                                                  Cool!!! My lucky day!

So, forgetin' about the mouse for a bit, I changed plans and went for my camera instead. I got as close as I dared and identified it as a boa constrictor by the way it is hugging the floating thermometer !

I wonder if there was a little game of snake and mouse last night after dark? Obviously, although it managed to escape the jaws of the reptile, the mouse still lost the battle... by way of drowning instead.
The snake, found a pretty clever way to keep his head above water. While snapping a few pictures, texting a few of you "by-the-minute photos" and pacing back and forth trying to decide what I was going to do about this situation, I remembered my very own set of grabber thingies that were in the closet.

Last Christmas, Chuck and I both handed each other the presents that we had thoughtfully and secretly picked out for each other. As soon as we both saw the size of the package and gave it a little feel we both started to laugh. When we peeled off the paper... "shore 'nuff, we each had gotten the other the same exact gift!"

A "Pick Up & Reaching Tool" or when you live here in the wild, wild west...a "grabber thingy"!
I hadn't even clipped mine from the packaging yet. No need when I have my very own Reptile Wrangler around to take care of things for me. Not today though. I was a lone Wranglerette. Before I got to work, I pulled on my safety boots first and got out my safety glove. I wasn't taking any chances.

I want you to know...it took me quite a long time to get up the nerve and strategize just how I was going to do this thing. I plotted out the quickest most direct route to the lowest portion of the fence. I was going to be as humane as I possibly could. I tested the grip many times on my "reaching tool", so I knew just how strongly I needed to pull the trigger. What? Look up there at the picture again...it looks a little like a trigger doesn't it?

And then, I tested it a few more times with my safety glove on. I wanted to be sure I could still work the trigger. Squeeze, release, squeeze, release. Once I felt fairly confident and skilled I went in for the kill  grab.

I knew I had to get it behind the head because that is how I've seen the pro do it. You know, so you don't give them any room to reach around and sink their venomous teeth into you!

Wait for it.
I had to be sure I was perfectly lined up. I didn't want it to foil my plan and sneak its way up that grabber. Wait for it...

 "Engage grabber"!
I might have blurted out something like that.

 And right about now is when I started breaking out into a sweat, grew goosebumps and started repeating something like this..." ohnoohnoohnoohnostayoverthewater in case it gets loose ohohno ehhh stayonstayon uhhhh be calm walk slowly don't run snap a picture don't fall in the water...ok now slowly lift it out of the water"....

"UUUUUUUHHHHHHHH" it is wiggling"!!!!!!

"Keep it way far away from your body (ya ok, so I'm wearing an oven mitt, whatever...) keep walking. Now lift up and clear the fence. Ok. ready Norma"....

  "DISENGAGE the grabber!" Note: I did not damage the fence while disengaging the grabber thingy!
I did, however, peek over the fence and saw it just laying on the ground. I feared (briefly) that I might have pinched a little too tightly, constricting the life out of its little neck (do they have necks?).

And then I still needed to deal with the mouse. I couldn't get the pole on the basket thing to extend long enough to reach that little drowned rat. I pondered whether or not the pool sweep would sense it and just go around it, or would it try to sweep over it, suck it up and clog the machine up, which would have been really bad and then I would have some serious 'splaining to do when the real Wrangler got home. So, I finally went for the sweeper brush, which I was able to loosen and lengthen, reach down and "sweep" the mouse towards me, which actually put it into this floating acrobatic kind of motion, which gave me time to trade out my tools and get the basket thing. I swooped in and scooped it up, real pro like...

And there he is. All tucked in nice and neat ready to be dropped over the fence. I decided to take it to the same spot as the snake. Getting it out of that net basket was almost as time consuming as it was getting it in. I ever so cautiously peeked over the fence to see if it had landed next to the snake. Alas...the snake was gone! And so was I!!!

Perhaps Wranglerista is a better name than Wranglette for me. You know, like fashionista!

Note: No real harm came to the snake since it obviously slithered away. Also, I know it wasn't a boa constrictor, that is my attempt at being funny. I'm not sure, but I think it was a rattlesnake. And, based on the size, I'm inclined to believe it was a young one, which in turn makes me wonder where the mother is! This critter extraction took over an hour and exhausted me. But, I'm a little proud of myself. 
Really, I am. ?

what is worse than a cactus in your foot?

One in your throat.

These little cacti volunteer themselves to grow just about anywhere. Do I dare say they come up like weeds? Almost. We find them in the most random places. Like, the gravel walk path. Or, potted plants. The bottom of your foot. Ouch. In my throat. Ok, not literally. But, the sore throat that I had on saturday felt as though I had one stuck in there. What's worse than a summer or winter cold? An autumn cold. Even though it still feels like summer, I feel like it is a cold day in the middle of winter. Complete with the cactus in the throat and everything else that goes along with a whopper of a virus. Enough about the cold, I'll live, but it did give me a chance to compare a cactus to a sore throat!

 These little guys are quite cute and somewhat tiny. This one is about an inch tall in this photo.

Last summer, I plucked one out and stuck it in a pot of soil. I figured it would grow, but I had no idea how big it would get in such a short amount of time! It already looks a little silly in this pot. Perhaps it is time to stick it back in the ground somewhere. However, you need gloves of steel to get anywhere near these bad boys.

And, like I said, they pop up everywhere! This one can't decide what it wants to do. 

Ok. What is worse than feeling like you have a cactus in your throat?

Having one in your foot!

Yes, she was wearing sandals. Evidently, these are some kind of crazy cactus that we have heard jump up at you and stick themselves into your innocent flesh. When we first moved here, I was told to carry a small black men's comb with me whenever I went out walking or hiking... or something like that. Because, (I was warned) these cactus balls will leap out and poke themselves into you. The only way to get them out is to use the comb to gently "comb" yank it out. The comb teeth will grab it and save your fingers from further stabbing. While the girl was having a heck-of-a-time trying to get this painful thing out of her heel, I was recalling that little bit of Arizona Survival advice I had been given and was wishing I had listened. Well, you know, I do listen...

 1. Get a laser pistol for the rattle snakes.
 2. Wear closed toe shoes.
 3. Carry a small black comb with you.
 4. Don't pull weeds without looking and probe with a stick in said weeds first.
 5. Get a big dog.
 6. Get big dog rattle snake trained.
 7. Jump in the pool if a Gila monster has latched on and won't let go. (However, I see a problem with this one as the venom that they release while chewing is a neurotoxin which I think would render one defenseless in a pool. Especially the deep end).
 8. Put the four legs of your bed in buckets of water so the scorpions can't crawl up.
 9. Always check your bed (and shoes) for scorpions.
10. Carry oven mitts with you for the hot car handles and steering wheel.
11. Don't feed the bob cats.
12. Be sure you can out-run a Javelina.

Like I said, I listen, I just haven't completely acted on that advice.

fall flowers

Today we woke up to a cool breeze and rain. I have had the doors and windows open all day and it has been glorious. A glimmer of hope that fall has truly arrived.

And again, opposite of most places, where flowers start to die off getting themselves ready for the winter hibernation, here they are waking up from their summer-heat-induced-slumber. The leaves are turning green again and the flowers are daring to show their faces.

It is like spring in autumn!

Even the hummingbirds are celebrating that summer is over!

The air conditioners are quiet for now, the birds are chirping again, and I am wondering...where are all the falling leaves? I'll take what bit of fall I can get. Even though I'm still wearing shorts and sandals most of the time.

This quote says it best:

"Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower." ~Albert Camus

two pictures of a snake

Well, two different snakes actually.

One picture of each, because that is all I can muster the strength to take. My body goes all weak and chill bumps run rampant across my skin. My hands start to shake and in the case of the first photo, my foot pressed down on the gas pedal and I zoomed away. This giant rattler was slithering across the road in front of my car as I was driving through the neighborhood.

I thought, oh great, the temperatures are cooling off a bit which means these lovelies will start to come out of hiding. 

Not cool!! 

And then, the next day, as I was heading out to the studio to talk to Chuck, this was on the path in front of me! I did do that "get the heck out of dodge" move that I do so well. Thanks for asking. It's comical looking I'm sure. But whose laughing?

So, instead of a face to face visit with Chuck, I dialed directly to his Reptile Wrangler number on my phone! It went something like this..."get out here right now there is a huge rattle snake on the path by Leah's window right now not in a minute but stay back but bring your shovel but don't get too close but  it's right here it's the biggest one I've seen except for the one on the road but this is in our yard and it is the biggest one I've seen in our yard are you coming it's starting to move ok hang up your phone cuz i can see you be careful it's right there hurry up wait stay back chop its head off no just toss it over the fence do you want me to get those grabber thingies wait... let me get a picture first"... and Reptile Wrangler says... "oooh that is a big one. I wonder where it was an hour ago when I was trimming the bushes?"

And so it goes.

I have to suit up before heading out to the backyard.

And I don't mean my swimsuit.

sixteen photos of a bobcat

Recently, the two bobcat youngsters were enjoying a comfortable morning in  their our yard. The word comfortable is not an understatement. These first few were snapped while this one was lounging on the brick column by our bedroom patio. I was standing in the doorway, with the sliding door open, snapping photos for about fifteen minutes. It was not bothered a bit by my presence.

He spotted his sibling on the roof of the house. I have heard them walking around up there before. I'm used to it by now, but the first time, I'll admit...I paused in wonder and fright imagining what could be walking around on the roof .

He just pawsed in wonder.

The second one jumped down off of the roof, and meandered along the fence. This one finally decided to get up, stretch and follow his sibling to the back yard. They are able to walk along the top of the fence like tight rope artists.

Later on, Chuck came in and said, "get your camera... it's a two headed bobcat. "

I was able to snap a couple of quick pictures before one climbed up to hide in the tree. The other one sat here for a long time. It is the same one that I had been taking pictures of earlier. It is not shy at all. In fact, later on in the day, Chuck actually came in the house saying he was a little nervous about it. The bobcat kept following him around, right on his heels, just like a certain orange cat used to do in our Colorado yard. Chuck tried to scare the bobcat off, but it just kept following him. So, his nerves got the best of him and he put his yard work away for the rest of the day. If you look very closely, you can see the second one hiding up in the tree. If you put the cat on the brick at about 5 on a clock face, the other one is at about 11.

Like I said, not shy at all.

Here it is watching Chuck who was in his line of sight doing yard work.

When you see this look on its face and his little ear tipped down, you really can forget that it is a wild animal can't you?

And then this happens. 

And you wonder why at that moment he decided to lick his lips and you decide that the photo op is over.

That concludes sixteen photos of a bobcat.